Paraprosdokians

 

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is unexpected and often humorous. A somewhat related word is lexophilia, which means a form of addiction describing those who are obsessively enamoured of words, especially those set in a new framework. Lexophiles tend to like paraprosdokians. Paraprosdokians sometimes descend into being mere puns.

Submitted by Brian McLean
  1. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
  2. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
  3. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
  4. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a mechanic.
  5. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
  6. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.
  7. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
  8. I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.
  9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
  10. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
  11. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
  12. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
  13. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
  14. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  15. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
  16. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Submitted by Jan Bauer
  1. My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
  2. Money talks … but all mine ever says is good-bye.
  3. If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of payments.
  4. When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body. Men are so polite that they only look at the covered parts.
  5. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
  6. I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year; not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?
  7. A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.
  8. You know that tingly feeling you get when you're attracted to someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.
  9. I think my neighbour is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
  10. Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
  11. Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
  12. If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
Submitted by John Baird and Terry Ball
  1. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just, randomly, remember things and get really excited.
  2. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
  3. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9pm is the new midnight.
  4. I run like the winded.
  5. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
  6. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
  7. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
  8. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
  9. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "did you bring the money?"
  10. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
  11. I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
Submitted by Graeme Russell
  1. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.
  2. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
  3. I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
  4. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
  5. He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.
  6. Police were summoned to a day care centre where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
  7. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
Puns from a Welsh Church newsletter via John Baird
  1. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
  2. Every calendar's days are numbered.
  3. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get re-possessed.
  4. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
  5. When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.
  6. Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
Submitted by others
  1. Andrew Leopold (who composed it himself): I'd give an arm and a leg to be able to run like Usain Bolt.
  2. Lyn Richards: I’m supposed to respect my elders, but now it's getting harder and harder for me to find one.
  3. Martin Winfield: I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.