Paraprosdokians (or puns)

 

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is unexpected and often humorous. A somewhat related word is lexophilia, which means a form of addiction describing those who are obsessively enamoured of words, especially those set in a new framework. Lexophiles tend to like paraprosdokians. Paraprosdokians sometimes descend into being mere puns or, alternatively, aphorisms.

Submitted by Brian McLean
  1. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
  2. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
  3. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
  4. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a mechanic.
  5. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
  6. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.
  7. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
  8. I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.
  9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
  10. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
  11. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
  12. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
  13. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
  14. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  15. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
  16. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Submitted by Jan Bauer
  1. You're not fat, you're just … easier to see.
  2. My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
  3. Money talks … but all mine ever says is good-bye.
  4. If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of payments.
  5. When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body. Men are so polite that they only look at the covered parts.
  6. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
  7. I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year; not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?
  8. A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.
  9. You know that tingly feeling you get when you're attracted to someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.
  10. I think my neighbour is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
  11. Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
  12. Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
  13. If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
Submitted by John Baird and Terry Ball
  1. When I say, 'the other day', I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
  2. The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
  3. Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
  4. I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
  5. I don't mean to interrupt people. I just, randomly, remember things and get really excited.
  6. To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
  7. Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9pm is the new midnight.
  8. I run like the winded.
  9. I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
  10. When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
  11. I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
  12. It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
  13. If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "did you bring the money?"
  14. The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
  15. I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
Submitted by Graeme Russell
  1. To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
  2. I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.
  3. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
  4. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
  5. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
  6. I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
  7. I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
  8. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.
  9. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
  10. I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
  11. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
  12. He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.
  13. Police were summoned to a day care centre where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
  14. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
Submitted by John Baird
  1. Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
  2. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  3. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
Submitted by Terry Hearity
  1. I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!
  2. What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
Puns from a Welsh Church newsletter via John Baird
  1. I tried to catch fog yesterday. Mist.
  2. And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.
  3. Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
  4. Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
  5. When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means that I am doing nothing.
  6. A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
  7. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
  8. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
  9. Every calendar's days are numbered.
  10. If you don't pay your exorcist, you get re-possessed.
  11. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
  12. When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.
  13. Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
Submitted by others
  1. Andrew Leopold (who composed it himself): I'd give an arm and a leg to be able to run like Usain Bolt.
  2. Dawn Mack: You don't stop laughing when you grow old. Rather, you grow old when you stop laughing!
  3. Lyn Richards: I’m supposed to respect my elders, but now it's getting harder and harder for me to find one.
  4. Martin Winfield: I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.