Paraprosdokians (or puns)
A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is unexpected and often humorous. A somewhat related word is lexophilia, which means a form of addiction describing those who are obsessively enamoured of words, especially those set in a new framework. Lexophiles tend to like paraprosdokians. Paraprosdokians sometimes descend into being mere puns or, alternatively, aphorisms.
Submitted by Andrew Leopold
- I'd give an arm and a leg to be able to run like Usain Bolt.
- To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and then call whatever you hit the target.
- I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way, so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
- In open spaces next to wet ground,, Should our Council erect signs that read “Frog parking only, all others will be toad“?
Submitted by Brian McLean
- We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
- If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
- Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
- The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
- Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
- War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
- Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
- I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.
- You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
- In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.
- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
- Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a mechanic.
- I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
- I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
- You're never too old to learn something stupid.
Submitted by Bruno Zielke
- A commander walks into a bar and orders everyone around.
- Just so everyone’s clear, I’m going to put my glasses on.
- Never buy flowers from a monk. Only you can prevent florist friars.
- Patient: “I have a ringing in my ears.” Doctor: “Don’t answer it!“
- I’ve been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife ever finds out, she’ll kill me.
- Writing my name in cursive is my signature move.
- I lost my job as a stage designer. I left without making a scene.
- Dad, are we pyromaniacs? Yes, we arson.
Submitted by Dawn Mack
- You don't stop laughing when you grow old. Rather, you grow old when you stop laughing!
- Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
- If the last few weeks have taught us anything, it’s that stupidity travels faster than any virus on the planet.
- I was always taught to respect my elders, but it is getting harder to find one.
- Police were summoned to a daycare centre where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
- A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you’re in deep water.
- Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
- Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
- How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
- Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without.
- Do you realise that, in about 40 years, we’ll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos?
Submitted by Graeme Russell
- No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
- Police were summoned to a day care centre where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
- He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.
- A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
- I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
- A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
- When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.
- I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
- I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
- With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
- Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
- When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
- I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.
- To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
- You can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish.
- I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
- Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
- If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get re-possessed.
- Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
- She said that she recognised me from the Vegetarians’ Club, but I’d swear I’ve never met herbivore.
Submitted by Jan Bauer
- If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
- Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
- Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
- I think my neighbour is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
- You know that tingly feeling you get when you're attracted to someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.
- A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.
- I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year; not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?
- I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
- When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body. Men are so polite that they only look at the covered parts.
- If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of payments.
- Money talks … but all mine ever says is good-bye.
- My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
- You're not fat, you're just … easier to see.
Submitted by Jennifer Gillett
- I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.
- What’s the best thing about Switzerland? I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
- I’ve just invented a new word: plagiarism.
- I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked at me surprised.
- Did you hear about the mathematician who is afraid of negative numbers? He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.
- Did you hear about the two people who stole a calendar? They each got six months.
- Helvetica and Times New Roman walked into a bar. “Get out of here!” the bartender shouts. “We don’t serve your type.”
Submitted by John Baird
- War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
- Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
- Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
- The last thing I want to do is hurt you …but it’s still on my list.
- If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
- I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
- You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
- Apparently you can’t use ‘beefstew’ as a password. It’s not stroganoff.
- We never really grow up — we only learn how to act in public.
- Had I known in March that it was the last time I would be in a restaurant for the rest of the year I would have ordered the dessert.
- People who wonder whether the glass is half empty or half full are missing the point. The glass is refillable.
Submitted by John Baird and Terry Ball
- I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
- The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
- If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "did you bring the money?"
- It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
- I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
- When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
- I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
- I run like the winded.
- Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9pm is the new midnight.
- To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
- I don't mean to interrupt people. I just, randomly, remember things and get really excited.
- I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.
- Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.
- The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.
- When I say, 'the other day', I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.
Submitted by Paul Siostrom
- To some, marriage is a word; to others, it’s a sentence.
- Some people are wise. Some are otherwise.
- The problem with political jokes is that sometimes they get elected.
- Kleptomaniacs always take things literally.
- Wisdom doesn’t necessarily come with age. Sometimes age just shows up all by itself.
- Where there’s a will there’s a relative.
Submitted by Rob Gardner
- If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would have put them on my knees.
- Old age is coming at a really bad time.
- Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.
- Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.
- I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes it five years in a row.
- As I drove into the cemetery, my GPS announced: “You have reached your final destination.“
Submitted by Sabi Buehler
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
- If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
- Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they’re at home when you wish they were.
- If I had a dollar for every girl who found me unattractive, they’d eventually find me very attractive.
- He who laughs last thinks slowest.
- Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
Submitted by Steven Wright
- Whenever I think about the past, it brings back so many memories.
- What’s another word for ‘thesaurus’?
- How much deeper would the ocean be if it didn’t contain sponges?
- I took a lie detector test. No, I didn’t.
- There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
- Reward, $50. If found, just keep it.
Submitted by Terry Hearity
- I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
- How does an attorney sleep? First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other side.
- What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
- I saw an ad for burial plots, and I thought: “That’s the last thing I need!
- Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favourite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.“
- I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.
- I have a few jokes about unemployed people, but none of them work.
- How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
- I tried to sue the airline for losing my luggage. I lost my case.
- When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
- My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve.
- War does not determine who is right; it determines who is left.
- A cross-eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
- Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.
- What do you call a super articulate dinosaur? A thesaurus.
- A man who drives like hell is bound to get there.
- When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
- With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
- She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.
- Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.
- A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
- No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
- The roundest knight at king Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
- Local Area Network in Australia : the LAN down under.
- Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
- In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.
From the Indian Hills Community Centre via Terry Ball
- Water is heavier than butane because butane is a lighter liquid.
- If you have to wear both a mask and glasses, then you may be entitled to condensation.
- When you teach a wolf to meditate, he becomes aware wolf.
- I’m going to start collecting highlighters. Mark my words!
- When you said that life would get back to normal after June … Julyed.
- The girl in the middle of the tennis court is Annette.
- Ghosts like to ride in elevators because it lifts their spirits.
- To the thief who stole my glasses: I will find you … I have contacts.
- A few puns make me numb but math puns make me number.
- I wanted to be a monk but I never got the chants.
- A perfectionist walked into a bar. Apparently, it wasn’t set high enough.
- If any of you know how to fix broken hinges, my door is always open.
From a Welsh Church newsletter via John Baird
- Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
- When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.
- A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
- Every calendar's days are numbered.
- Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
- A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
- A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
- When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means that I am doing nothing.
- Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
- Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
- And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.
- I tried to catch fog yesterday. Mist.
- I, for one, like Roman numerals.
- You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice.
- You can never lose a homing pigeon – if your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon.
- I have a step ladder because my real ladder left when I was a kid.
- Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor devil.
- My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.
- You know what they say about cliff hangers …
- I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I am okay.
- I threw a boomerang a few years back. I now live in constant fear.
- Working in a mirror factory is something I can see myself doing.
Submitted by others
- David Hicks: When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
- David Hicks: I am writing a book about all the things that I should be doing in my life. It’s an oughtobiography.
- David Hicks: A will is a dead giveaway.
- Dawn Mack: There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4am. For example, it could be the right number.
- Lyn Richards: I’m supposed to respect my elders, but now it's getting harder and harder for me to find one.
- Maree Papworth: Even duct tape can’t fix stupid – but it sure does muffle the sound.
- Martin Winfield: I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
- Trisha and Robert Weller: When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.
- Trisha and Robert Weller: If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?“