A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is unexpected and often humorous. A somewhat related word is lexophilia, which means a form of addiction describing those who are obsessively enamoured of words, especially those set in a new framework. Lexophiles tend to like paraprosdokians. Paraprosdokians sometimes descend into being mere puns.
Submitted by Brian McLean
- You're never too old to learn something stupid.
- I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
- I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it's getting harder and harder for me to find one now.
- Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a mechanic.
- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
- In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.
- You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
- I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was blaming you.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
- Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
- War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
- Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
- The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.
- Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
- If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
- We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
Submitted by Jan Bauer
- My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that.
- Money talks … but all mine ever says is good-bye.
- If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of payments.
- When wearing a bikini, women reveal 90 % of their body. Men are so polite that they only look at the covered parts.
- I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
- I just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year; not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?
- A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight, live longer than the men who mention it.
- You know that tingly feeling you get when you're attracted to someone? That's your common sense leaving your body.
- I think my neighbour is stalking me as she's been googling my name on her computer. I saw it through my telescope last night.
- Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?
- Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation toward the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.
- If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they would eventually find me attractive.
Submitted by John Baird and Terry Ball
- I don't mean to interrupt people. I just, randomly, remember things and get really excited.
- To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.
- Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9pm is the new midnight.
- I run like the winded.
- I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.
- When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"
- I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.
- It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.
- If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, "did you bring the money?"
- The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
- I had my patience tested. I’m negative.
Submitted by Graeme Russell
- When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.
- A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
- I know a guy who's addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
- A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
- He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.
- Police were summoned to a day care centre where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
- No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
Puns from a Welsh Church newsletter via John Baird
- Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
- Every calendar's days are numbered.
- If you don't pay your exorcist, you get re-possessed.
- A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
- When two egotists meet, it’s an I for an I.
- Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
Submitted by others
- Andrew Leopold (who composed it himself): I'd give an arm and a leg to be able to run like Usain Bolt.
- Lyn Richards: I’m supposed to respect my elders, but now it's getting harder and harder for me to find one.
- Martin Winfield: I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.