Jokes

 

Each month, we publish a joke in our newsletter, some submitted by our members and others gleaned from the Internet (during the coronaviropus crisis jokes are being added at least weekly). This page gathers those jokes together. Thanks to Dawn Mack, Graeme Russell, John Jenkins, Lesley Wing Jan, Lyn Richards, Maree Papworth, Noel Butterfield, Pam Jenkins, Paul Siostrom, Sue Power, Susan Palmer, Terry Ball, Terry Hearity and Val Harrop for their contributions.

Even with your busy schedule, you ought to be able to find 24 seconds to watch this video.

2nd June 2020

Joke 1

Paranoia has reached absurd levels … I sneezed in front of my computer and the anti-virus software started a scan on its own.

Joke 2

Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.

The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.

Joke 3

The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs and have fun finding them.

Joke 4

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.

He asked, "What are all those clocks for?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move."

"Oh", said the man. "Whose clock is that?"

"That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter. "The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Incredible", said the man. "And whose clock is that one?"

St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."

"Where's Donald Trump's clock?" asked the man.

St. Peter replied, "We're using it as a ceiling fan."

26th May 2020

Joke 1

My husband and I decided we don't want to have children.

We will be telling them later when we come out of isolation.

Joke 2

Late one night a burglar broke into a house and, while he was sneaking around, he heard a voice say, "Jesus is watching you".

He looked around, saw nothing, so kept on creeping.

Again he hears, "Jesus is watching you".

In a dark corner he sees a cage with a parrot in it.

He asks, "Was it you who said Jesus is watching me?"

The parrot replies, "Yes".

Relieved, the burglar asks, "What is your name?"

The parrot says "Clarence".

The burglar says "That’s a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot called you Clarence?"

The parrot answers "The same idiot that called the rottweiler Jesus".

19th May 2020

Joke 1
Simple arithmetic
1 + 1 = ?
Typical three-year-old's answer: 2
Trump: 11

Joke 2

The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, "I would like to withdraw $50".

The female teller told her, "For withdrawals less than $500, please use the ATM".

The old lady then asked, "Why?".

The teller irritably told her, "These are rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a queue behind you."

She then returned the card to the old lady.

The old lady remained silent … but then she returned the card to the teller and said, "Please help me withdraw all the money I have".

The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and said to the old lady, "My apologies Granny, you have $3.5 million in your account and our bank does not have so much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?".

The old lady then asked, "How much am I able to withdraw now?".

The teller told her, "Any amount up to $300,000".

The old lady then told the teller that she wanted to withdraw $300,000 from her account.

The teller did so quickly and handed it to the old lady respectfully.

The old lady kept $50 in her bag and asked the teller to deposit the balance of $299,950 back into her account.

Don't be difficult with old people … we can outwit the young and dumb.

12th May 2020

Joke 1

Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:

"And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?", the reporter asked.

She replied, "no peer pressure".

Joke 2

A grasshopper goes into a pub, jumps up onto a bar stool and leans his elbow luxuriantly on the counter.

A barman approaches and, on seeing him, exclaims excitedly "Hey, we've got a drink named after you!"

The grasshopper says "What? Kevin?".

12th May 2020

Have you heard about the nuclear scientist who swallowed some uranium? She got atomic ache.

What sound does a subatomic duck make? "quark!"

5th May 2020

Joke 1

Until further notice, the days of the week are now called Thisday, Thatday, Otherday, Someday, Yesterday, Today and Nextday!

Joke 2

Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"

"98", she replied, "two years older than me".

"So you're 96", the undertaker commented.

She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

28th April 2020

Joke 1

I felt like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

Joke 2

Woman(crying her eyes out): "I can’t see you anymore. I’m not going to let you hurt me like this again."

Personal trainer: "It was a sit up. You only did one sit up."

21st April 2020

BREAKING NEWS

Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly recommended.

Not so much to prevent Covid-19 but to stop eating.

14th April 2020

Three old blokes, all with slight hearing problems, are walking along a beach.

The first one says, "It's windy today!"

The second bloke says, "No, I reckon it's Thursday."

And the third says, "So am I! Let's have a drink!"

7th April 2020

Joke 1

And the Lord saith unto John, “come forth that you may win eternal life“.

But he came fifth and only won a toaster.

Joke 2

Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well", says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowns. "But how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen takes a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle."

The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. "Please send Theresa May in here, would you?"

Theresa May walks into the room. "Yes, my Queen?"

The Queen smiles. "Answer me this, please, Theresa. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Theresa answers, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good", says the Queen.

Back at the White House, Trump asks to speak with Vice President Mike Pence.

"Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?"

"I'm not sure", says the Vice President. "Let me get back to you on that one."

Mike Pence goes to his advisers and asks everyone, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognises General McMasters' shoes in the next stall.

Mike shouts, "General! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and your father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

General McMaster yells back, "That's easy. It's me!"

Mike Pence smiles. "Thanks!" and goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Trump.

"Sir, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's General McMaster."

Trump gets up, stomps over to Mike Pence, and angrily yells into his face, "No, you idiot! It's Theresa May!"

31st March 2020

A plane with five passengers on board – Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Jacinda Ardern, the Pope and a 10 year old school girl – is about to crash and there are only four parachutes.

Trump says “I need one. I’m the smartest man in the USA and I’m needed to solve the pandemic.” He takes one parachute and jumps.

Johnson says “I’m needed to sort out the COVID-19 mess in Britain.” He takes one and jumps.

The Pope says “The world’s Catholics depend on me for comfort in a time of fear.” He takes one and jumps.

You can have the last parachute“, Jacinda says to the 10 year old. “I’ve lived a good part of my life. Yours is only just starting.

The girl replies “Don’t worry, there are two parachutes left, the smartest man in the USA just took my schoolbag.

31st March 2020

There once was a young man who wanted to become a great writer.

I want to write words that the whole world will read, that people will react to on an emotional level“, he said.

He now works for Microsoft, where he writes error messages.

24th March 2020

I dusted once.

It came back.

I’m not falling for that again.

March 2020

Nurse: “Doctor, there’s a man in the waiting room who thinks he’s invisible. What shall I tell him?

Doctor: “Tell him I can’t see him today.

February 2020

An 8-year-old girl went to the office with her father on ‘take your kid to work day’. As they were walking around the office, the young girl started crying and getting cranky.

What is wrong?“, her father asked.

As the staff gathered round, she sobbed loudly: “Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?

January 2020

Doctor: “Relax, David, it’s only a small surgery. Don’t panic.

Patient: “But, doctor, my name isn’t David.

Doctor: “I know. I am David.

December 2019

Husband: “When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?

Wife: “I clean the toilet.

Husband: “How does that help?

Wife: “I use your toothbrush.

November 2019

Can you fax the offer over to me?

Sorry, I can’t fax from where I live.

Oh, where is that?

2019. I live in 2019.

October 2019

I recently called an old engineering buddy of mine and asked what he was working on these days.

He replied that he was working on ‘aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment.

I was impressed until, upon further inquiry, I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife’s supervision.

September 2019

Checking out at the supermarket, the young cashier suggested to the much older woman that re-usable grocery bags were a good idea as plastic bags weren’t good for the environment.

The woman apologised and explained, “We didn’t have this ‘green thing’ back in my earlier days.

The young cashier responded, “That’s our problem today – your generation didn’t care enough to save our environment for future generations.

She was right that our generation didn’t have the ‘green thing’ back in our day.

Back then, we returned milk bottles, lemonade bottles and beer bottles to the shop. The shop sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilised and re-filled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.

Grocery shops bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, that we re-used for numerous things.

We walked up stairs, because we didn’t have a lift in every supermarket, shop and office building.

We walked to the local shop and didn’t climb into a 300 horsepower machine every time we had to go half a mile.

Back then, we washed the baby’s nappies because we didn’t have the throwaway kind.

We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine. Wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our day. Kids had hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.

Back then, we had one radio or TV in the house – not a TV in every room – and the TV had a small screen the size of a big handkerchief (remember them?) not the size of Scotland.

We blended and stirred by hand because we didn’t have electric machines to do everything for us.

When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn’t fire up an engine and burn petrol just to cut the lawn. We pushed the mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn’t need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.

We drank from a tap or fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We re-filled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen. And we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.

Back then, people took the bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their mums into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances and we didn’t need a computerised gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites thousands of miles away in order to find the nearest pub!

But she’s right, we didn’t have the ‘green thing’ back then.

Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from their younger brethren.

August 2019

Submitted by our Opera class.

Q: How is a tenor’s brain different from a normal person’s brain?
A: There’s resonance where the brain is supposed to be.

Q: What do a third party candidate and the bottom 2/3 of a tenor’s range have in common?
A: No one supports them.

Q: How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to change the bulb and five to say, “It’s too high for him!

Which, of course, takes us to Diva jokes.
Q: How does a diva screw in a light bulb?
A: She just holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.

Q: What’s the difference between an opera diva and a pit bull?
A: The jewellery.

July 2019

A U3A member was walking across a damp meadow when he heard a female voice say, “sir, I would like to ask a great favour of you.

He looked around and saw only a frog sitting on the grass. “I must be going nuts“, he thought, “there’s no one here.

The voice then said, “Please, sir. Please help me.

Again all he saw was the frog which was looking straight at him. “Who said that?” he asked.

I did, sir. I’m the frog. I was a beautiful 19-year-old princess but a witch put a spell on me. Please help me.

The old man picked up the frog and held it in his hand. “How can I help you?“, he asked.

The only thing that will break the spell is to have a man kiss me on the mouth. Please do it for me, and then I will again turn into a beautiful, sexy, princess and I will really make you feel young again. I will make great love to you.

The man closed his hand about the frog and stuffed it into his pocket. “At my age“, he said, “I’d rather have a talking frog.

June 2019

Three old ladies are sitting around a table playing bridge and bragging about their sons.

My Freddie“, said Margaret, “Everyone should be so lucky to have a son like my Freddie. Once a week he brings me a huge bouquet of flowers. He’s constantly taking me out to restaurants to eat. If I so much as hint that I want something, the next morning it’s on my doorstep.

That’s very nice about your Freddie“, says Gertrude. “But with all due respect, when I think about the way my Sammy takes care of me, it just can’t compare. Every morning, as soon as I wake up, he greets me with bacon and freshly brewed coffee. Every lunch he comes over and cooks me a gourmet lunch, and every supper he brings me to his house for supper. He truly treats me like a queen.

Well“, says Barbara. “I don’t want to make any of you feel bad or anything, but wait until you hear about my Harry. Twice a week he pays someone $200 an hour just so he can lie on their couch and talk to them, and who do you think he speaks about at those prices? I’ll tell you who he speaks about! ALL HE SPEAKS ABOUT IS ME!

May 2019

Politicians are a lot like diapers, they should be changed frequently, and for the same reasons. Keep that in mind the next time you vote.

This is more of an aphorism than a joke, and it is made topical by the upcoming election. It was made famous by Robin Williams in the 2006 film Man of the Year who, it appears, was repeating a phrase that was first uttered by a local American politician in 1992. Contrary to popular belief, Mark Twain never said anything of the sort.

April 2019

In the hardware store, a clerk asked, “Can I help you find anything?

How about my misspent youth?” the elderly man replied.

The clerk shot back, “We keep that in the back, between world peace and winning lottery tickets.

March 2019

While delivering for meals on wheels, a friend used to take her young daughter on the rounds. The child was intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.

One day her mother saw her staring at a set of false teeth soaking in a glass. The child turned to her mother and whispered, “the tooth fairy will never believe this!

February 2019

An elderly looking gentleman, well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good aftershave, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady.

The gentleman walks over, sits alongside her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, “So tell me, do I come here often?

January 2019

A man came to the clinic for an MRI. He was put into the machine by an attractive, young technician. Sometime later, when the examination was over, he was helped out of the machine by a far older woman. The man remarked, “how long was I in there for?“.

November 2018

A bus driver was driving a whole tour bus of elderly men and women down a highway. As he was driving, one of the little old ladies tapped him on the shoulder to offer him a handful of peanuts that he gratefully accepted.

15 minutes passed and she comes back with another handful of peanuts. This happens about five more times. The bus driver finally decides to ask her, “Why don’t you eat the peanuts yourself?

She replied “We have no teeth so we aren’t able to chew them.

Confused, he asks, “If you can’t chew them, why do you buy them?

She replied “We get them just for the chocolate around them. We love it!

October 2018

After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery. Halfway across, he’s startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.

I thought you were a ghost“, says the relieved teen. “What are you doing working so late?

Oh, those idiots“, grumbles the old man. “They misspelled my name!” 

September 2018

Submitted by Lyn Richards.

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.

Finally God said, “Cool it. I’m going to set up a test that will run for two hours and I will then judge who does the better job.

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on and each of them re-started their computers.

Satan started searching frantically, screaming “It’s gone! It’s all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate.

Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?

God shrugged and said, “Jesus saves.

August 2018

Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.

Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.

But Tony’s still alive.

I know, but his hair is gone.

July 2018

An engineer dies, and goes to Hell.

Dissatisfied with the level of comfort down there, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. The engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God rings down and asks Satan, “So, how’s it going down there?”

Satan says, “Hey things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”

God is horrified. “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake – he should never have gone down there! You know that all engineers go to Heaven. Send him back up here!”

Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff. I’m keeping him.”

God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”

“Yeah, right,” Satan laughs, “and where are you going to find a lawyer?”

June 2018

Poor old fool, thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink.

As they sipped their beers, the gentleman thought he’d humour the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?

The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.

May 2018

While he was visiting, my father asked for the password to our wifi.

“It’s taped under the modem,” I told him.

After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, “Am I spelling this right? T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M?”