Each of our newsletters contains a number of jokes, some submitted by our members and others gleaned from the Internet. This page gathers those jokes together. Thanks to Brian McLean, Brian Seymour, Bruno Zielke, Carmen Breust, David Hicks, Dawn Mack, Dennis Carty, Dianne Parslow, Gerard Vander, Gillian Essex, Graeme Russell, Graham Fildes, Helen Hewitt, Henry Haszler, Janie McLeod, Jenni Bull, Jenny Shaw, Jessie Apted, Jill Kellow, John Baird, John Crichton, John Jenkins, Kay Bichard, Lesley Wing Jan, Lita Lee, Lyn Richards, Lynne Stevens-Chappel, Maree Papworth, Marguerite Marshall, Noel Butterfield, Pam Jenkins, Paul Siostrom, Robin Reed, Sabi Buehler, Sophie Skenderis, Sue Dyet, Sue Power, Susan Palmer, Terry Ball, Terry Hearity, Tess Evans and Val Harrop for their contributions.
Even with your busy schedule, you ought to be able to find 24 seconds to watch this video.
Don’t annoy old people because the older we get the less ‘life in prison’ is a deterrent.
I pulled a nose hair out today to see if it hurt. Judging by the screams of the guy asleep on the bus next to me, yes it did hurt!
Fuel $2.09 per litre. Full tank @ 100 litres = $209. Drive away without paying: court fine of $80. Savings: $129. Follow me for more fuel savings tips.
If you get a loan at a bank, you will be paying it back for 30 years. If you rob a bank, you will be out in 10 years. Follow me for more financial advice.
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.
Let’s eat grandma or let’s eat, grandma. This is proof that punctuation can save lives.
I can’t wait to retire so that I can get up at 6am and go drive around really slowly and make everyone late for work.
A man walks into an enchanted forest and commences to cut down a talking tree.
“You can’t cut me down,” the tree exclaims, “I’m a talking tree.“
The man responds, “You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue.“
If a telemarketer calls, give the telephone to your 3-year-old grandchild and tell her it’s Santa.
The irony for mankind is that a computer program asks a human to prove that they aren’t a robot.
Insanity doesn’t run in my family. It strolls through, taking its time, getting to know everyone personally.
I envy people that grow old gracefully. They age like a fine wine. I’m aging like milk, getting sour and chunky.
I sent a food parcel to my first wife. FedEx.
I used to live hand to mouth. Do you know what changed my life? Cutlery.
My attempts to combine nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes made me a laughing stock.
By my age, my parents had a house and a family, and to be fair to me, so do I, but it is the same house and the same family.
I found a book called How to solve 50% of your problems. So, I bought two.
Why did the cows return to the marijuana field?
It was the pot calling the cattle back.
100 years ago, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.
Today, everyone has a car and only the rich have horses.
Oh how the stables have turned.
Did you hear that Julie Andrews will no longer endorse cheap lipstick.
It crumbles easily and makes her breath smell.
She explained, “The super colour fragile lipstick gives me halitosis.”
Diet day 1: I have removed all the bad food from the house. It was delicious.
Did you know that, by replacing your potato chips with grapefruit as a snack, you can lose up to 90% of what little joy you still have left in your life.
Lance is a very uncommon name nowadays.
But in medieval times, people were called Lance a lot.
Yesterday, my husband thought that he saw a cockroach in the kitchen. He sprayed everything down and cleaned thoroughly. Today, I’m putting the cockroach in the bathroom.
U3A member: “I wonder if they deliver emails on Sundays?“
Fun fact: if you drink enough wine fast enough, Fitbit thinks that you are running.
When I lost the fingers on my right hand in a freak accident, I asked my doctor if I would still be able to write with it.
He replied, “probably, but I wouldn’t count on it.“
Wife: “Did I get fat during quarantine?“
Husband: “You weren’t really skinny to begin with!“
Time of death: 11pm.
There’s a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
The school called today and said “your son is telling lies.“
“Well,” I replied, “he must be really good because I don’t have any kids.“
A man and a woman are travelling in a train.
The woman says “Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place.“
The man replies “Awww … ! Are you single?“
The woman says “No, I am a dentist.“
A woman walks into a pharmacy and asks for some arsenic.
The pharmacist asks “What for?“
She says “I want to kill my husband.“
He says “Sorry, I can’t do that“
She then reaches into her handbag, pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife, and hands it to him.
He responds “You didn’t tell me that you had a prescription.“
Breaking news! Man gets hit by a rental car. Said it Hertz.
Here is my will in its entirety: “Being of sound mind, I spent all of my money“.
Here’s a little known fact. Before the crowbar was invented, crows simply drank at home.
A thief in Paris planned to steal some paintings from the Louvre. After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to
his van. However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:
“Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings…
I had no Monet
To buy Degas
To make the Van Gogh.“
See if you have De Gaulle to send this on to someone else. I sent it to you because I figured I had nothing Toulouse.
A huge stack of toilet rolls fell on me in the supermarket. I’m ok though, just soft tissue damage.
There is a strange new trend at the office: people putting names on food in the company fridge. Today I had a cheese sandwich named Linda.
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve. It was an Apple. But with extremely limited memory: just 1 byte. Then everything crashed.
An elderly man was having hearing problems and well to see a specialist. The doctor fitted him with some hearing aids that brought his hearing back to full strength.
After a few weeks, the man went back to make sure that the new equipment was working properly, which it was. The hearing specialist said “Your family must be delighted that you can hear everything now.”
“Oh no,” the man responded “I haven’t told any of them. I just sit quietly listening carefully. I’ve changed my will four times already.”
Today’s work from home tip: blowing on the wine in the mug will help convince your Zoom colleagues that your tea is hot.
If we wanted to boldly send billionaires where no billionaires have been before, we could have just sent them to the Tax Office.
I still have a landline.
Or, as I like to call it, ‘a cell phone finder’.
“Doctor, when do you think Covid 19 will be over?“
Doctor: “I don’t know, I’m not a journalist.”
Sorry! The lifestyle that you ordered is currently out of stock.
As I drove into Eltham cemetery, my GPS announced: “you have reached your final destination.”
Me (sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red): “I can’t see you any more. I’m not going to let you hurt me like this again.“
Trainer: “It was a sit up. You did one sit up.”
Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord. “God, what does a million years mean to you?”
The Lord replies, “A minute.”
Smith asks, “And what does a million dollars mean to you?”
The Lord replies, “A penny.”
Smith asks, “Can I have a penny?”
The Lord replies, “In a minute.”
If the earth was flat … cats would have pushed everything off of it by now.
I stood waving to my neighbour for 10 minutes this morning before realising that she was cleaning her windows.
I always preferred the English spelling diarrhoea to the American diarrhea because it really looks like you have lost control of your vowels.
“I just cleared out some space in the freezer” sounds much more productive than “I just polished off another pint of ice cream“.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend actually thinking.
How do you milk sheep?
Bring out a new iPhone and charge $1,000 for it.
I before E except after C.
Except when your foreign neighbour Keith gets eight counterfeit beige sleighs from feisty caffeinated weightlifters.
After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said to her,
“Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl.
“Now… We have an $800,000 home, a $65,000 car, a nice big bed and a large-screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of the bargain.”
My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed, and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.
Dear Santa, all I want is a fat bank account and a skinny body. Please don’t mix it up again like last year!
When I see lover’s names carved in a tree, I don’t think it’s sweet. I just think it’s surprising how many people take a knife on a date.
In this life, I’m a woman but in my next life, I’d like to come back as a bear.
When you’re a bear, you get to hibernate. I could deal with that.
Before you hibernate, you’re supposed to eat yourself stupid. I could deal with that too.
When you’re a female bear, you birth your children (who are the size of walnuts) while you’re sleeping and wake to partially grown, cute, cuddly cubs. I could definitely deal with that.
If you’re a mama bear, everyone knows that you mean business. You swat anyone who bothers your cubs. If your cubs get out of line, you swat them too. I could deal with that.
If you’re a bear, your mate expects you to wake up growling. He expects that you will have hairy legs and excess body fat.
Yup, I’m gonna be a bear!
I lost my job at the bank on the very first day! A lady asked me to check her balance so I pushed her over.
It’s been a bit of a strange day! First, I found a hat full of money. Then I was chased by an angry man with a guitar.
When I was a boy, my mum would send me down to the corner shop with $1 and I’d come back with a bag of potatoes, a loaf of bread, 3 bottles of milk, a block of cheese, a packet of tea and 6 eggs. You can’t do that today … too many security cameras.
Q: Which came first, the rat or the plague?
A: Depends on the century.
I swallowed a dictionary. It gave me thesaurus throat I have ever had.
Karl Marx was a famous philosopher but no one ever mentions his sister, Onya, who invented the starting pistol.
Pro tip: save business cards of people that you don’t like. If you ever hit a parked car accidently, just write “sorry” on the back and leave it on the windshield.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realise that we went to school together.
Tip of the day: blow on the wine in your coffee mug to convince the rest of the Zoom meeting that it is tea.
My wife made me coffee this morning and winked at me when she handed me the cup.
I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all my life.
I went to a visit a psychic.
I knocked on her door and she yelled “Who is it?”
So I left.
4th December 2021
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I’ll let you know.
My mate with a stutter was telling me about his Nana.
By the end of it we were all singing Hey Jude!
A man was telling his neighbour, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me $4,000, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.”
“Really,” answered the neighbour. “What kind is it?”
My child: “I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff.”
Me: “Like what?”
My child: “Like if I don’t clean my room, a portal will open and take me to another dimension.”
Me: “Well, that’s what happened to your older brother.”
My child: “What older brother?”
Passenger: “How often do planes crash?”
Flight attendant: “Just once.”
The fact that there’s a highway to hell but only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
Steven took two stuff dogs to the Antiques Roadshow.
“Ooh!” said the presenter, “This is a very rare breed. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?”
“Sticks.” replied Steven.
Three friends from the local congregation were asked, “When you’re in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?”
Tony said, “I would like them to say that I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader and a great family man.”
Andy commented, “I would like them to say that I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people’s lives.”
John said, “I’d like them to say, ‘Look, he’s moving!’”
6th November 2021
I call my toothpaste ‘Death’.
Then I tell people, “I had a brush with Death this morning.”
I’m fairly certain that the person who put the first ‘r’ in February also decided how to spell Wednesday.
I asked the lady in Woolies where are the nuts?
She said that they were in the toilet paper aisle.
To all those people buying up all the toilet paper because of the virus, take note. This week, the butchers have brains on special.
23rd October 2021
If the earth was flat, cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
I can’t wait to walk down the aisle one day and hear those magical words: “This is your pilot speaking.”
“Siri, why am I so bad at relationships with women?”
“This is Alexa.”
A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.
When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and experience the scent of fresh hay.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The veggie department features the smell of fresh buttered sweetcorn.
I don’t buy toilet paper there anymore.
8th October 2021
My wife was going through her wardrobe. Then she said, “Look at this, it still fits me after 25 years.”
I said, “It’s a scarf.”
Remember how when you were little you could just rip off your diaper and run around naked and everyone thought it was so cute and funny?
Anyway, I need some bail money.
I was at the post office when I saw someone shouting into an envelope.
I asked, “What are you doing?”
He replied, “Sending a voice mail.”
A man tells a Rabbi: “I have a strong desire to live to eternity. What am I supposed to do?”
“Get married,” replies the Rabbi.
“It’s that simple? Would that allow me to live forever?”
“No, but the desire will disappear.”
24th September 2021
An artist, an engineer and a scientist walk into a bar. The barkeeper says, “what will you have, Leonardo?”
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending them a Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child that nobody knows.
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know and I don’t care.
Aussie Rules Football Grand Final tickets
Hi to all Melbourne Demons supporters, check this out.
A mate of mine won two tickets for the 2021 AFL Grand Final in Perth. They are box seats plus airfares, penthouse accommodation and $1,000 for miscellaneous expenses.
When he won them, his wedding date had not been finalised. Now it turns out that the only date available at the church for their wedding is on AFL Grand Final Day – so he can’t go.
If you’re interested and want to go instead of him, it’s at First Baptist Church at 5pm on Saturday, 30th September. She is a fairly nice looking girl, about 165cms, clean, cute, great body and her name is Kelly. She will be the one in the white dress.
If interested, contact me for more detailed information! Asap.
9th September 2021
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
Due to my isolation, I finished 3 books yesterday. And believe me, that’s a lot of colouring.
What did your parents do to kill the boredom before the Internet?
I asked my 25 brothers and sisters and they didn’t know either.
My cousin posted “I’m expecting twins!”
I replied “Finally two kids from the same man.”
Then she blocked me.
26th August 2021
Just before I die, I am going to swallow a bag of popcorn kernels.
My cremation is going to be epic!
I need to re-home my dog. It’s a terrier and tends to bark a lot.
If you’re interested, let me know and I’ll jump over my neighbour’s fence and get it for you.
When I offer to wash your back in the shower, all you have to say is yes or not.
Not all this “who are you and how did you get in here?” nonsense.
I went to the bathroom at a restaurant.
I washed my nads.
I open the door with my elbow.
I raised the toilet seat with my foot.
I switched on the water faucet with a tissue.
I opened the bathroom door to leave with my elbow.
And when I had returned to my table, I realised that I had forgotten to pull up my pants!
12th August 2021
The God of War rode out one day
Mounted on his filly.
“I’m Thor!” he cried.
“Of course you are,” the horse replied.
“You forgot your thaddle, thilly.”
Arcelor-Mittal Steel, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a bloke leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the bloke, “How much money do you make a week?”
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, “I make $400 a week. Why?”
The CEO said, “Wait right here.” He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, “Here’s four weeks’ pay. Now GET OUT and don’t come back.”
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, “Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here”
From across the room, a voice said, “”Pizza delivery guy from Domino’s.”
One morning a man returns to the cabin after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out, since it is such a beautiful day. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.
Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, “Good morning, Ma’am, what are you doing?”
“Reading a book,” she replies, (thinking, “Isn’t that obvious?“)
“You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,” he informs her.
“I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing, I’m reading.”
“Yes, but you have all the equipment. I’ll have to write you up a ticket.”
“For reading a book? she replies.
“You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,” he informs her again.
“But officer, I’m not fishing, I’m reading.”
“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to write you up a ticket and you’ll have to pay a fine.”
“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault,” says the woman.
“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the Game Warden.
“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.”
“Have a nice day ma’am,” and he immediately departed.
An elderly couple return to a Mercedes dealership to find that the salesman had just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful leggy, busty blonde.
“I thought you said that you would hold that car until we raised the $75,000 asking prices,” said the man. “But I just heard you close the deal for $65,000 with that young lady here. You insisted that there could be no discount on this model.”
“Well, what can I tell you? She had the ready cash and, just look at her, how could I resist?” replied the grinning salesman.
Just then the young woman approached the old couple and handed them the keys.
“There you go,“, she said. “I told you I could get this joker to drop the price. See you later, grandpa.”
27th July 2021
I tried donating blood today … Never again! Too many stupid questions. Who’s blood is it? Where did you get it from? Why is it in a bucket?
When I worked at the United Nations, I was asked to get Kofe Annan a gram of cocaine.
I picked up the phone. “Kofi,“, I said, “right now the only one I can think of is oceanic’.”
After 10 years, a wife started to think that their child looks a bit strange so she did a DNA test and found out that the child is not theirs. She told her husband, who replied “You don’t remember, do you? When we were leaving the hospital, the baby pooped and you told me to go and change him so I went inside and got a clean one and left the dirty one there.”
The wife fainted.
Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When little Johnny received his plate, he started eating straightaway.
“Johnny, wait until we’ve said our prayer,” his mother reminded him.
“I don’t have to,” the little boy replied.
“Of course, you do,” his mother insisted. “We say a prayer before eating at our house.”
“That’s our house,” Johnny explained, “but this is Grandma’s house and she knows how to cook.”
13th July 2021
I just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.
On average, a panda feeds for around 12 hours per day.
This is the same as an adult under quarantine, which is why we call it a ‘pandemic’.
I grew up with Bob Hope, Steve Jobs and Johnny Cash.
Now there are no jobs, no cash and no hope.
Please don’t let anything happen to Kevin Bacon!
27th June 2021
I don’t mean to brag but … I just finished my 14-day diet in 3 hours 12 minutes.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles’ holder on the treadmill.
My mind is like my internet browser. 19 tabs are open, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no idea where the music is coming from.
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub.
It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.
The difference is staggering.
10th June 2021
The fact that there’s a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffice numbers.
People keep asking “Is Covid-19 really serious?”
Listen up. Casinos and churches are both closed. When heaven and hell agree on the same thing, it’s probably pretty serious.
Just to let you know that I had the Russian Covid-19 vaccination yesterday and I can tell you that there are absolutely no negative sideeffski efectovski secundariosvki kto moket 3to npoyntatb o6okaio bnaanmnpa nytnha.
This happened yesterday and is an important lesson for our friends in the older age group.
A friend had his second dose of the vaccine at the vaccination centre. Afterwards, he began to have blurred vision on the way home. When he got home, he called the vaccination centre for advice and to ask if he should go see a doctor or be hospitalised.
They told him to return to the centre and pick up his glasses.
31st May 2021
Bread is a lot like the sun: it rises in the yeast and it sets in the waist.
Try to remember that the green grass across the fence may be due to a septic tank issue.
Driver: “What am I supposed to do with this speeding ticket?”
Officer: “Keep it and, when you collect four of them, you get a bicycle.”
Did you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you, and feel glad that you are alive?
I just did and apparently will not be allowed on this airline again.
8th May 2021
Age is merely the number of years that the world has been enjoying you.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realise that we went to school together.
I might wake up early and go running.
I also might wake up and win the lottery.
The odds are about the same.
I just got pulled over by the cops.
He said “I can smell alcohol.”
I told him that’s because he wasn’t respecting social distancing.
23rd April 2021
The word ‘politics’ is derived from the word ‘poly’, meaning ‘many’, and the word ‘ticks’, meaning ‘blood sucking parasites’.
Don’t wear headphones while vacuuming. I’ve just finished the whole house before realising that the vacuum wasn’t plugged in.
I yelled “COW” at a woman on a bike and she shouted obscenities back at me. Then she ploughed her bike straight into the cow.
Marriage is like a deck of cards. In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade.
8th April 2021
My stomach is FLAT. The L is just silent.
A police recruit was asked during an exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?”
The reply: “Call for backup.”
At the bank, I told the cashier, “I’d like to open a joint account please.”
“OK, with whom?”
“Whoever has lots of money.”
The Government in Egypt has instructed the city’s taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their car horns. It is hoped that a return to familiar city sounds will help restore calm following the pandemic. Operation Toot N Calm Em will last for a week.
24th March 2021
I love to make lists. I also like to leave them on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while I’m at the store.
I found $20 in a parking space and thought to myself, “what would Jesus do?”
So, I turned it into wine.
Doctor: “I’m just waiting for your x-ray.”
Patient: “But I’ve never dated anyone named Ray.”
Doctor: “And we might do a brain scan.”
A little silver-haired lady calls her neighbour and says “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle and I can’t figure out how to get started.”
Here neighbour asks, “What is it supposedly to be when it’s finished.”
The lady says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a rooster.”
He neighbour decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and show him where she has the puzzle spread out all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble those pieces into anything resembling a rooster.”
He then takes her hand and says, “Secondly, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea and then …”
… He said with a deep sigh “let’s put all the corn flakes back into the box.”
11th March 2021
Did you hear about the newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
Smith went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, “Not guilty.”
“That’s grand!” shouted Reilly. “Does that mean I can keep the money?”
Mrs. Baker shouted from the kitchen, “Is that you I hear spitting in the vase on the mantle piece?”
“No,” said himself, “but I’m getting closer all the time.”
A politician was visiting a remote little rural town and asked the locals what the government could do for them.
“We have two big needs,” said the towns people.
“First, we have a hospital but no doctor.”
The politician whipped out his mobile phone, spoke for a while and then said, “I have sorted that out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?”
The towns people replied, “We have no mobile phone reception in our town.”
25th February 2021
Can February March?
No. But April May!
What do you call a ghosts mom and dad?
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut?
Good morning … At present we are currently not at home but please leave your message after you hear the beep.
If you are one of our children, dial 1, then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of ‘birth arrival’ so we know who it is, then choose from the following:
If you need us to stay with the children, press 2.
If you want to borrow the car, press 3.
If you want us to wash your clothes and do ironing, press 4.
If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5.
If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6.
If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home, press 7.
If you want to come to eat here, press 8.
If you need money, press 9.
If you are going to invite us to dinner or take us to the theatre, start talking … we are listening!.
14th February 2021
I invented a new word: plagiarism.
I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu: you just get what you deserve.
A woman in labour suddenly shouted “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!” ”
Don’t worry,” said the Doctor, “those are just contractions.”
2nd February 2021
A little grey hair is a small price to pay for all this wisdom!
My body is a temple. Ancient and crumbling. Probably cursed or haunted.
I thought that the dryer made my clothes shrink.
Turns out that it was the fridge.
Sometimes you might feel like no one is there for you … but you know who is always there for you?
Laundry … laundry will always be there for you.
25th January 2021
Why did the chicken cross the road? To see Gregory Peck.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.
Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.
8th December 2020
I wish there was a way to donate fat like you can donate blood.
A police officer came to my house and asked me where I was between 5 and 6. He seemed irritated when I answered: “kindergarten.”
Some days I amaze myself.
Other days, I look for my phone while I’m holding it.
Police officer: you were going fast.
Me: I was just trying to keep up with the traffic.
Police officer: there isn’t any traffic.
Me: I know! That’s how far behind I am.
One sunny day in January 2021 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he’d been sitting on a park bench. He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, “I would like to go in and meet with President Trump.” The Marine looked at the man and said, “Sir, Mr Trump is no longer President and no longer resides here.” The old man said, “Okay,” and walked away.
The following day, the same man approached the White House and said to the same Marine, “I would like to go in and meet with President Trump.” The Marine repeated, “Sir, as I told you yesterday, Mr Trump is no longer President and no longer resides here.” The man thanked him and, again, just walked away.
The third day, the old man approached the White House and spoke to the very same U.S. Marine, saying again, “I would like to go in and meet with President Trump.” The Marine, understandably irritated at this point, looked at the man and said, “Sir, this is the third day in a row you’ve been here asking to speak to Trump. I’ve told you each time that he’s no longer the President and no longer resides here. Don’t you get it?”
The old man looked at the Marine and said, “Oh, I understand. I just love hearing it.”
The Marine snapped to attention and said, “See you tomorrow, Sir.”
1st December 2020
The moment when you walk into a spider web and suddenly turn into a karate master.
Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.
I can’t wait to retire so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Sometimes someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race and changes you forever …
We call these people cops.
24th November 2020
It’s a little known fact that Anne Boleyn had a brother called Tenpin.
The problem with stealing quotes off the Internet is that you never know if they are genuine (by Abraham Lincoln)
What’s the leading cause of dry skin? Towels.
I once stayed up all night wondering where the sun went! Then it dawned on me.
17th November 2020
If something is thrown at the president … does the secret service yell DONALD DUCK!
This will the first year that we’re not going to Europe because of Covid-19.
Normally, we don’t go because we can’t afford it.
And in the end mankind used so much toilet paper, they wiped themselves out.
I remember when I was a kid you could go to the store with $1 and come home with 3 bags of crisps, 2 candy bars and a cold drink.
Now, they have cameras everywhere.
10th November 2020
Education is important but opening the pubs is importanter.
News flash! Sticking your tongue on an outdoor bug zapper lamp will cure you of the virus. Yes, I read it on the Internet.
If you want to save money at Xmas, now’s the perfect time to tell the kids that Santa didn’t make it through the pandemic.
Maths class 2020: if Jenny is a hairdresser and wants to marry Jimmy the personal trainer in an open air food court, how many people can attend the ceremony?
3rd November 2020
Between two evils. I always pick the one I’ve never tried.
Be the reason someone smiles today. Or the reason they drink. Whatever works.
Never make a woman mad. They can remember stuff that hasn’t even happened yet.
When you are dead you don’t know that you are dead. It is difficult only for others. It is the same when you are stupid.
27th October 2020
I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful.
I told my suitcases that there will be no vacation this year.
Now I’m dealing with emotional baggage.
At the age of 65, my grandma started walking 5 miles a day.
She’s 92 now.
We have no idea where she is.
A school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, an ancient wooden device called a ‘slide-rule’ and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, the Attorney General said that he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of maths instruction.
“Al-Gebra is a problem for us,” the Attorney General said. “Al-Gebra has terrorised many young people for years. They derive solutions by means and extremes and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.”
“They use secret code names like ‘X’ and ‘Y’ and refer to themselves as ‘unknowns’, but we’ve determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country.”
As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, “There are 3 sides to every triangle.”
20th October 2020
Let’s have a moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic on their way to the gym to ride stationary bicycles.
Teenager to a best friend: “Would you like to go somewhere special on Friday night and stare into our mobile phones together?”
When I finish something I have to show my hands to the dog.
Like I’m a blackjack dealer.
The Government in Egypt has instructed the city’s taxi drivers to drive around Cairo sounding their horns. It is hoped that a return to familiar city sounds will help to restore calm following the pandemic.
Operation Toot-N-Calm-Em will last for one week
13th October 2020
If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and I actually remembered why I went in there.
It was the bathroom, but still …
A priest, a rabbit and a minister walk into a bar.
The bartender asks the rabbit “What’ll ya have?”
The rabbit replies, “I dunno. I’m only here because of Autocorrect.”
An arrogant London lawyer is driving in Glasgow, runs a stop sign, and is pulled over by a local copper. This conversation follows.
Cop: “Licence and registration please.”
Lawyer: “What for?”
Cop: “Ye didnae come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”
Lawyer: “I slowed down and no one was coming.”
Cop: “Ye didnae come to a complete stop. Licence and registration please.”
Lawyer: “What’s the difference?”
Cop: “Ye have to come to a complete stop. It’s the law”
Lawyer: “Show me the legal difference between stop and slow down. If you can, give me a ticket. If you can’t, let me go without a ticket.”
Cop: “Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir.”
The lawyer gets out.
The cop takes out his baton, proceeds to hit him repeatedly and says – “Dae ye want me to stop or just slow down?”
6th October 2020
If you want to save money at Xmas, now is the perfect time to tell the kids that Santa didn’t make it through the pandemic.
Question: What do you call a hen who can count her own eggs?
Answer: A mathemachicken.
I recently visited a monastery and, as I walked past the kitchen, I saw a man frying chips.
I asked him “Are you the friar?”
He replied “No, I’m the chip monk.”
29th September 2020
I often wonder who Pete is and why we do things for his sake.
I bought a little bag of air today. The company that made it was kind enough to put some potato chips in it as well.
You haven’t experience true heartbreak until you’ve been thinking about leftovers all day and then come home to find that someone ate them.
I just read a book on marriage that says that you should treat your wife like you treated her on the first date.
So, after dinner tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents’ house.
22nd September 2020
I’m so bored that I went outside and knocked on my own door, then came back in and said “who is it?”
The more you weigh, the harder you are to kidnap.
Stay safe. Eat cake.
Please stop asking us to find your X.
She’s never coming back and don’t ask Y.
Notice from the Association of Psychiatrists
During the quarantine, it is considered normal to talk to your plants and pets. Kindly contact us only if they reply.
15th September 2020
I’m reading a book on anti-gravity … I can’t put it down!
They said that a mask and gloves were enough to go to the grocery store.
They lied; everybody else had clothes on.
Texas coronavirus prevention: wash your hands like you just got done slicing jalapenos for a batch of nachos and you need to take your contacts out. (That will take you at least the required 20 seconds.)
Mick and Pat are standing on the 18th tee at their Irish Country Club. They are the final twosome in the Irish County Club Championship and are tied for the lead. The 18th hole is a beautiful par four with a deep valley, descending down to a dogleg right.
Both Mick and Pat hit long, straight tee shots which disappear down into the valley. A short time later, the fore caddie appears at the top of the hill and announces that both balls are within 6 inches of each other but there’s a problem: both of the golf balls are Titleist #4s.
Mick and Pat look at each other and realize that they had not informed each other as to what kind of ball they were playing, nor its number. They quickly descend into the valley and, sure enough, their two Titleist golf balls are right next to each at the bottom of the valley in the middle of the fairway.
Patrick looks at Mick and says, “We had better get a ruling from a tournament official to straighten this out. This is the Irish County Club Championships and we don’t want to be disqualified for making a mistake and hitting the wrong ball. After all, we are tied for the lead.”
Soon after, a rules official appears and examines the two #4 Titleist golf balls. He then looks up at Mick and Pat and says, “Which one of you is playing the orange ball?”
- Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
- Why do banks charge a fee on ‘insufficient funds’ when they know there is not enough?
- Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
- Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
- What is the speed of darkness?
- If the temperature is zero outside today and it’s going to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold will it be?
8th September 2020
Lockdown can only go 4 ways. You’ll come out a monk, a hunk, a chunk or a drunk. Choose wisely.
The world is now Las Vegas: everybody is losing money, it’s acceptable to drink at all hours and no one has any idea what day it is.
During the Middle Ages, they celebrated the end of the plague with wine and orgies. Does anyone know if they have anything similar planned when this one ends?
A new and easy test for Covid-19 is doing the rounds. Take a glass and pour a decent dram of your favourite whisky (or gin or rum), then see if you can smell it. If you can then you are halfway there. Then drink it and, if you can taste it, then it is reasonable to assume that you are currently free of the virus.
I tested myself 9 times last night and was virus-free every time, thank goodness.
I will test myself again today as I have developed a headache, which can be one of the symptoms.
1st September 2020
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
The graduate with a Science degree asks, “Why does it work?”
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”
The graduate with a Commerce degree asks, “How much will it cost?”
The graduate with an Arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing
“We’re supposed to find the height of this flagpole,” said one of the engineers, “but we don’t have a ladder.”
The woman took a spanner from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her purse, took a measurement, announced, “6.5 metres,” and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, “A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!”
A priest, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, “What’s with those guys? We’ve been waiting for 15 minutes!”
The doctor chimed in, “I don’t think I’ve ever seen such inept golf!”
The priest said, “Here comes the green-keeper. Let’s have a word with him.” He then said to the green-keeper, “What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”
The green-keeper replied, “Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free any time.”
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, “That’s so sad. I’ll say a special prayer for them tonight.”
The doctor said, “Good idea. I’ll contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything she can do for them.”
The engineer said, “Why can’t they play at night?”
25th August 2020
The second mouse gets the cheese.
Anyone who thinks that bottle shops should remain open and not hairdressers is a bald-headed alcoholic.
If you come into the store without a mask, we will have to take your temperature.
ps. We only have rectal thermometers.
18th August 2020
Does anyone know how long toilet paper will last if you freeze it?
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you“.
I whispered back, “bring pizza“.
My wife made me coffee this morning and winked at me when she handed me the cup.
I have never more scared of a drink in all of my life.
I went to the psychiatrist today. She told me I had a split personality and charged me $160.
I gave her $80 and told her to get the rest from the other idiot.
11th August 2020
If you haven’t grown up by age 50, you don’t have to.
I’m wondering – what should I wear to the couch tonight?
In Germany they are preparing for the crisis by stocking up with sausage and cheese. That’s the Wurst Käse scenario.
Just wait a second – so what you’re telling me is that my chance of surviving all this is directly linked to the common sense of others?
4th August 2020
Dear God, please uninstall 2020 and re-install it – this version has a virus.
I hate it when you see an old person and then realise you went to high school together.
Has Covid-19 forced you to wear glasses and a mask at the same time? If so, you may be entitled to condensation.
Two backpackers were running short of funds and decided to seek work. Unable to find anything in their qualified fields of Engineer and Diesel Fitter they settled for assembly line work in a lingerie factory.
On the first pay-day, the engineer was upset on finding that he and his friend received the same amount. He spoke to the manager and said: “I should be paid more than him because I am a highly educated person. I’m an ENGINEER. I have a university degree. I have built bridges; designed machinery; and made enhancements to improve its efficiency. I carry great responsibility whereas he is only a DIESEL FITTER.”
28th July 2020
I got pulled over in a transit T2 lane for driving alone. I said that, due to social distancing, my passenger was in the car behind me.
So, in retrospect, in 2015, not a single person got the answer right to “where do you see yourself in 5 years from now?”
Me: Alexa, what’s the weather going to be like this weekend?
Alexa: Why? Where do you think you are going?
Wife: “am I getting fat during quarantine?”
Husband: “you weren’t exactly skinny to begin with!”
Time of death: 11pm.
21st July 2020
Day 7 of social distancing: Struck up a conversation with a spider today. Seems nice. He’s a web designer.
Another Saturday night in the house and I just realised that even the rubbish goes out more than me.
If you believe all this will end and we will get back to normal once we re-open everything … raise your hand. Now slap yourself with it.
When this virus thing is over with … I still want some of you to stay away from me.
14th July 2020
The past, present, and future walk into a bar. It was tense.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I was addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.
I child proofed my house but the kids still get in.
7th July 2020
[Editor: this reminds me of a graffitied billboard from the last General Election – see photo.]
My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.
What’s the difference between a rat and a lawyer?
Some people become quite fond of their pet rats!
A fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their parents do for a living. All the typical answers came up – mechanic, business, sales, doctor, engineer, etc.
However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet. When the teacher prodded him about his parents, he replied, “My father’s an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes to music in front of other men and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money.”
The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and took little Justin aside. “Is that really true about your father?”
“No“, the boy said, “He works for the Republican National Committee and is trying to get Trump re-elected, but it’s too embarrassing to say that in front of the other kids.”
30th June 2020
I was walking past a pet shop today when I saw a sign on a cage that read: ‘Pedigree Netherlands cat for sale’. I didn’t believe it could be from Holland, so I went in and asked the assistant: “How Dutch is that moggy in the window?”
A tourist is wandering through a graveyard in Vienna when he hears music. He looks around and decides that the music is coming from a headstone that reads Ludwig van Beethoven 1770-1827. Then he realises that the music is Beethoven’s 9th and it is being played backwards. He asks the caretaker to explain.
“I would have thought it was obvious“, the caretaker says “he’s decomposing“.
I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
“This is the 21st Century“, she said. “We don’t waste money on newspapers. Here, use my tablet.”
I can tell you this … that fly never knew what hit it …
Jokes should not be directed at particular racial or ethnic groups, so:
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Ghurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, An Aussie, a Kiwi, a German, an American, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, a Dane, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Christian, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an Ethiopian went to a night club.
The bouncer said, “Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai.”
23rd June 2020
John Travolta was hospitalised for suspected Covid-19, but doctors now confirm it was only Saturday Night Fever and they assure everyone that he’s Staying Alive.
A sociologist, a chemist, and a statistician are hunting. The sociologist shoots at a deer and misses 5 feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses 5 feet to the right. The statistician yells, “we got ’em!”
One friend asked another what had she named her two dogs.
She replied, “Rolex and Timex“.
The friend asked “Why would you use those peculiar names for dogs?”
She replied, “Well, they are watch dogs“.
I’m giving up drinking for a month.
Sorry, bad punctation.
I’m giving up. Drinking for a month.
16th June 2020
My husband purchased a world map, gave me a dart and said “throw this and wherever it lands I’m taking you for a holiday when this pandemic is over“. It turns out that we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Breaking news. Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly recommended. Not so much to prevent Covid-19 but to stop eating.
“Doctor, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.”
“That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”
“Is it common?”
“Well, it’s Not Unusual.”
An engineer, marketing manager and accountant have been given the arduous task to solve the arithmetic formula of 2 + 2.
With much conviction, the engineer says: “2+2 = 4.000000.”
The marketing manager ponders, then says: “well that is approximately, round about, make it 5.”
The accountant, smiling smuggishly, replies with a question: “what do you want it to be?”
9th June 2020
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves when he does.
Single man with toilet rolls would like to meet a female with hand sanitiser … for good clean fun.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you may know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him … A super-callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
I’ve sure gotten old! I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes. I’m half blind, can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation; can hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can’t remember if I’m 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends.
But, thank God, I still have my driver’s license.
2nd June 2020
Paranoia has reached absurd levels … I sneezed in front of my computer and the anti-virus software started a scan on its own.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married.
The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs and have fun finding them.
A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him.
He asked, “What are all those clocks for?”
St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock move.”
“Oh“, said the man. “Whose clock is that?”
“That’s Mother Teresa’s“, replied St. Peter. “The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”
“Incredible“, said the man. “And whose clock is that one?”
St. Peter responded, “That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life.”
“Where’s Donald Trump’s clock?” asked the man.
St. Peter replied, “We’re using it as a ceiling fan.”
26th May 2020
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them later when we come out of isolation.
Late one night a burglar broke into a house and, while he was sneaking around, he heard a voice say, “Jesus is watching you“.
He looked around, saw nothing, so kept on creeping.
Again he hears, “Jesus is watching you“.
In a dark corner he sees a cage with a parrot in it.
He asks, “Was it you who said Jesus is watching me?”
The parrot replies, “Yes“.
Relieved, the burglar asks, “What is your name?”
The parrot says “Clarence“.
The burglar says “That’s a stupid name for a parrot. What idiot called you Clarence?”
The parrot answers “The same idiot that called the rottweiler Jesus“.
19th May 2020
1 + 1 = ?
Typical three-year-old’s answer: 2
The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw $50“.
The female teller told her, “For withdrawals less than $500, please use the ATM“.
The old lady then asked, “Why?“.
The teller irritably told her, “These are rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a queue behind you.”
She then returned the card to the old lady.
The old lady remained silent … but then she returned the card to the teller and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have“.
The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and said to the old lady, “My apologies Granny, you have $3.5 million in your account and our bank does not have so much cash currently. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?“.
The old lady then asked, “How much am I able to withdraw now?“.
The teller told her, “Any amount up to $300,000“.
The old lady then told the teller that she wanted to withdraw $300,000 from her account.
The teller did so quickly and handed it to the old lady respectfully.
The old lady kept $50 in her bag and asked the teller to deposit the balance of $299,950 back into her account.
Don’t be difficult with old people … we can outwit the young and dumb.
12th May 2020
Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman:
“And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?“, the reporter asked.
She replied, “no peer pressure“.
A grasshopper goes into a pub, jumps up onto a bar stool and leans his elbow luxuriantly on the counter.
A barman approaches and, on seeing him, exclaims excitedly “Hey, we’ve got a drink named after you!”
The grasshopper says “What? Kevin?“.
Have you heard about the nuclear scientist who swallowed some uranium? She got atomic ache.
What sound does a subatomic duck make? “quark!”
5th May 2020
Until further notice, the days of the week are now called Thisday, Thatday, Otherday, Someday, Yesterday, Today and Nextday!
Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, “How old was your husband?”
“98“, she replied, “two years older than me“.
“So you’re 96“, the undertaker commented.
She responded, “Hardly worth going home, is it?”
28th April 2020
I felt like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor’s permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.
Woman(crying her eyes out): “I can’t see you anymore. I’m not going to let you hurt me like this again.”
Personal trainer: “It was a sit up. You only did one sit up.”
21st April 2020
Wearing a mask inside your home is now highly recommended.
Not so much to prevent Covid-19 but to stop eating.
14th April 2020
Three old blokes, all with slight hearing problems, are walking along a beach.
The first one says, “It’s windy today!”
The second bloke says, “No, I reckon it’s Thursday.”
And the third says, “So am I! Let’s have a drink!”
And the Lord saith unto John, “come forth that you may win eternal life“.
But he came fifth and only won a toaster.
Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, “Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?”
“Well“, says the Queen, “the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.”
Trump frowns. “But how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?”
The Queen takes a sip of tea. “Oh, that’s easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle.”
The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. “Please send Theresa May in here, would you?”
Theresa May walks into the room. “Yes, my Queen?”
The Queen smiles. “Answer me this, please, Theresa. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?”
Without pausing for a moment, Theresa answers, “That would be me.”
“Yes! Very good“, says the Queen.
Back at the White House, Trump asks to speak with Vice President Mike Pence.
“Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and father have a child. It’s not your brother and it’s not your sister. Who is it?”
“I’m not sure“, says the Vice President. “Let me get back to you on that one.”
Mike Pence goes to his advisers and asks everyone, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men’s room and recognises General McMasters’ shoes in the next stall.
Mike shouts, “General! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and your father have a child and it’s not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”
General McMaster yells back, “That’s easy. It’s me!”
Mike Pence smiles. “Thanks!” and goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Trump.
“Sir, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It’s General McMaster.”
Trump gets up, stomps over to Mike Pence, and angrily yells into his face, “No, you idiot! It’s Theresa May!”
A plane with five passengers on board – Donald Trump, Boris Johnson, Jacinda Ardern, the Pope and a 10 year old school girl – is about to crash and there are only four parachutes.
Trump says “I need one. I’m the smartest man in the USA and I’m needed to solve the pandemic.” He takes one parachute and jumps.
Johnson says “I’m needed to sort out the Covid-19 mess in Britain.” He takes one and jumps.
The Pope says “The world’s Catholics depend on me for comfort in a time of fear.” He takes one and jumps.
“You can have the last parachute“, Jacinda says to the 10 year old. “I’ve lived a good part of my life. Yours is only just starting.”
The girl replies “Don’t worry, there are two parachutes left, the smartest man in the USA just took my schoolbag.”
31st March 2020
There once was a young man who wanted to become a great writer.
“I want to write words that the whole world will read, that people will react to on an emotional level“, he said.
He now works for Microsoft, where he writes error messages.
I dusted once.
It came back.
I’m not falling for that again.
Nurse: “Doctor, there’s a man in the waiting room who thinks he’s invisible. What shall I tell him?”
An 8-year-old girl went to the office with her father on ‘take your kid to work day’. As they were walking around the office, the young girl started crying and getting cranky.
“What is wrong?“, her father asked.
As the staff gathered round, she sobbed loudly: “Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?”
Doctor: “Relax, David, it’s only a small surgery. Don’t panic.”
Doctor: “I know. I am David.”
Husband: “When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?”
Wife: “I clean the toilet.”
Husband: “How does that help?”
Wife: “I use your toothbrush.”
“Sorry, I can’t fax from where I live.”
“Oh, where is that?”
“2019. I live in 2019.”
I recently called an old engineering buddy of mine and asked what he was working on these days.
He replied that he was working on ‘aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminium and steel under a constrained environment.‘
I was impressed until, upon further inquiry, I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife’s supervision.
Checking out at the supermarket, the young cashier suggested to the much older woman that re-usable grocery bags were a good idea as plastic bags weren’t good for the environment.
The woman apologised and explained, “We didn’t have this ‘green thing’ back in my earlier days.”
The young cashier responded, “That’s our problem today – your generation didn’t care enough to save our environment for future generations.”
She was right that our generation didn’t have the ‘green thing’ back in our day.
Back then, we returned milk bottles, lemonade bottles and beer bottles to the shop. The shop sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilised and re-filled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.
Grocery shops bagged our groceries in brown paper bags, that we re-used for numerous things.
We walked up stairs, because we didn’t have a lift in every supermarket, shop and office building.
We walked to the local shop and didn’t climb into a 300 horsepower machine every time we had to go half a mile.
Back then, we washed the baby’s nappies because we didn’t have the throwaway kind.
We dried clothes on a line, not in an energy-gobbling machine. Wind and solar power really did dry our clothes back in our day. Kids had hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.
Back then, we had one radio or TV in the house – not a TV in every room – and the TV had a small screen the size of a big handkerchief (remember them?) not the size of Scotland.
We blended and stirred by hand because we didn’t have electric machines to do everything for us.
When we packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers to cushion it, not plastic bubble wrap. Back then, we didn’t fire up an engine and burn petrol just to cut the lawn. We pushed the mower that ran on human power. We exercised by working so we didn’t need to go to a health club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity.
We drank from a tap or fountain when we were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time we had a drink of water. We re-filled writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen. And we replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.
Back then, people took the bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of turning their mums into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances and we didn’t need a computerised gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites thousands of miles away in order to find the nearest pub!
But she’s right, we didn’t have the ‘green thing’ back then.
Please forward this on to another selfish old person who needs a lesson in conservation from their younger brethren.
Submitted by our Opera class.
Q: How is a tenor’s brain different from a normal person’s brain?
A: There’s resonance where the brain is supposed to be.
Q: What do a third party candidate and the bottom 2/3 of a tenor’s range have in common?
A: No one supports them.
Q: How many tenors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to change the bulb and five to say, “It’s too high for him!”
Which, of course, takes us to Diva jokes.
Q: How does a diva screw in a light bulb?
A: She just holds the bulb and the world revolves around her.
Q: What’s the difference between an opera diva and a pit bull?
A: The jewellery.
A U3A member was walking across a damp meadow when he heard a female voice say, “sir, I would like to ask a great favour of you.
He looked around and saw only a frog sitting on the grass. “I must be going nuts“, he thought, “there’s no one here.”
The voice then said, “Please, sir. Please help me.”
Again all he saw was the frog which was looking straight at him. “Who said that?” he asked.
“I did, sir. I’m the frog. I was a beautiful 19-year-old princess but a witch put a spell on me. Please help me.”
The old man picked up the frog and held it in his hand. “How can I help you?“, he asked.
“The only thing that will break the spell is to have a man kiss me on the mouth. Please do it for me, and then I will again turn into a beautiful, sexy, princess and I will really make you feel young again. I will make great love to you.”
The man closed his hand about the frog and stuffed it into his pocket. “At my age“, he said, “I’d rather have a talking frog.”
Three old ladies are sitting around a table playing bridge and bragging about their sons.
“My Freddie“, said Margaret, “Everyone should be so lucky to have a son like my Freddie. Once a week he brings me a huge bouquet of flowers. He’s constantly taking me out to restaurants to eat. If I so much as hint that I want something, the next morning it’s on my doorstep.”
“That’s very nice about your Freddie“, says Gertrude. “But with all due respect, when I think about the way my Sammy takes care of me, it just can’t compare. Every morning, as soon as I wake up, he greets me with bacon and freshly brewed coffee. Every lunch he comes over and cooks me a gourmet lunch, and every supper he brings me to his house for supper. He truly treats me like a queen.”
“Well“, says Barbara. “I don’t want to make any of you feel bad or anything, but wait until you hear about my Harry. Twice a week he pays someone $200 an hour just so he can lie on their couch and talk to them, and who do you think he speaks about at those prices? I’ll tell you who he speaks about! ALL HE SPEAKS ABOUT IS ME!”
“Politicians are a lot like diapers, they should be changed frequently, and for the same reasons. Keep that in mind the next time you vote.”
This is more of an aphorism than a joke, and it is made topical by the upcoming election. It was made famous by Robin Williams in the 2006 film Man of the Year who, it appears, was repeating a phrase that was first uttered by a local American politician in 1992. Contrary to popular belief, Mark Twain never said anything of the sort.
“How about my misspent youth?” the elderly man replied.
The clerk shot back, “We keep that in the back, between world peace and winning lottery tickets.”
While delivering for meals on wheels, a friend used to take her young daughter on the rounds. The child was intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs.
One day her mother saw her staring at a set of false teeth soaking in a glass. The child turned to her mother and whispered, “the tooth fairy will never believe this!”
An elderly looking gentleman, well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good aftershave, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady.
The gentleman walks over, sits alongside her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, “So tell me, do I come here often?”
A man came to the clinic for an MRI. He was put into the machine by an attractive, young technician. Sometime later, when the examination was over, he was helped out of the machine by a far older woman. The man remarked, “how long was I in there for?“.
A bus driver was driving a whole tour bus of elderly men and women down a highway. As he was driving, one of the little old ladies tapped him on the shoulder to offer him a handful of peanuts that he gratefully accepted.
15 minutes passed and she comes back with another handful of peanuts. This happens about five more times. The bus driver finally decides to ask her, “Why don’t you eat the peanuts yourself?”
She replied “We have no teeth so we aren’t able to chew them.”
Confused, he asks, “If you can’t chew them, why do you buy them?”
She replied “We get them just for the chocolate around them. We love it!”
After trick-or-treating, a teen takes a shortcut home through the cemetery. Halfway across, he’s startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spots an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.
“I thought you were a ghost“, says the relieved teen. “What are you doing working so late?”
“Oh, those idiots“, grumbles the old man. “They misspelled my name!”
Submitted by Lyn Richards.
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.
Finally God said, “Cool it. I’m going to set up a test that will run for two hours and I will then judge who does the better job.”
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on and each of them re-started their computers.
Satan started searching frantically, screaming “It’s gone! It’s all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!”
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate.
“Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?”
God shrugged and said, “Jesus saves.”
Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.
“Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.”
“But Tony’s still alive.”
“I know, but his hair is gone.”
An engineer dies, and goes to Hell.
Dissatisfied with the level of comfort down there, he starts designing and building improvements. After a while, Hell has air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators. The engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God rings down and asks Satan, “So, how’s it going down there?”
Satan says, “Hey things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”
God is horrified. “What? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake – he should never have gone down there! You know that all engineers go to Heaven. Send him back up here!”
Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff. I’m keeping him.”
God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”
“Yeah, right,” Satan laughs, “and where are you going to find a lawyer?”
Poor old fool, thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink.
As they sipped their beers, the gentleman thought he’d humour the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
While he was visiting, my father asked for the password to our wifi.
“It’s taped under the modem,” I told him.
After three failed attempts to log on, he asked, “Am I spelling this right? T-A-P-E-D-U-N-D-E-R-T-H-E-M-O-D-E-M?”